I am not a bitch but my face would tell you otherwise.
In 2012, I was self-diagnosed with CBF: Chronic Bitch Face. The disease often lurks on innocent people who are genuinely happy with their lives, but once they contract it, it is almost impossible to recover.
The disease is not discriminatory to age, so any people could become infected. The beginning stages of CBF affect the peoplel’s facial expression with symptoms such as emotionless eyes, raised eyebrows, and/or a harsh face. If not caught early, the disease can in fact affect the way a people walks, making them look like they have a stick up their asses.
I have battled to overcome many obstacles over the past 3 years with this debilitating sickness since I look like an effin’ asshole 90% of the time.
If I am not smiling and/or laughing, my face screams, “I’m a dick!!!” which leads to questions such as “Are you okay?” or “Is something wrong?” God dammit, I’m all right. I’m just restin’ my face for a little.
Throughout this journey, I have met others who suffer from CBF, and we have concluded that if you relate with the following scenarios, you may also be infected:
1. You are constantly asked: “Are you alright? “Is something wrong?” “Did you just murder a family?”
2. You’re told to cheer the fuck up, which just pisses you the fuck off
3. When people meet you for the first time, they’re surprised that you’re actually a decent human being and not the spawn of Satan
4. Men are intimidated by you and think that they’ll burst into flames if they touch you
5. For women, everyone thinks you have your period 24/7 (if you do, please consult a doctor, STAT)
6. Your employees don’t invite you to lunch because you look like a walking statue in the office
7. No one asks to “work in” on a machine at the gym because you might actually spit in their face
8. You get free onion rings at Burger Kings because the employees thinks you’d cut a bitch if you were charged
9. People think you drive a Harley Davidson (but you’re a proud owner of a Prius)
10. You’re really just a cool person who occasionally has an asshole for a face. Own the bitch face—just don’t be a bitch.
11. Okay, you can be a bitch…sometimes.